Completed this timeline
and raced your finger to the end of this page
you left me in the dust
and now you have something new to say
Not bitter about your departure
but boy, could I tell you to fuck off
You still used me like I'm kind of slut

That's not what I'm in for
Sorry, you had your chance
Know I'm better than this
and whatever else you'll ever get
Just know you had a chance
a shot, but you didn't take it

I'll stand on top of this mountain
until the right person can make it
through to me, because you were a liar
failed all the preliminaries,
all my tests with your misery
and you think you're a fighter

You had no substance
and the only thing going for you was
what you were to me unclothed
guess you can't handle your insecurities
it's so obvious everyone know's it
Now You're gone, and I' m through
Not going to look back twice
because moving on is just a part of this life

her words drop like a bullet to my ears.
the sounds that surround me magnify themselves tenfold.
and I am falling once again.
I am not here again. I am there.
I am looking through a stained glass window depicting my past.
Feeling everything my reflection feels even though the scene has ceased to exist
and it is acute and visceral.


snapping back into my sanity
I press my palms to my forehead
a gesture of peace, pleading to my mind.
holding true to myself, i feel the pieces glue themselves together
stronger bonds than before
the molecules tightening, hugging as if they were prisoners at sea
with one life jacket left.
accepting that they are cold and hungry and starving for warmth.
warmth that i alone can give
and that i alone must spark the plug to give them revival.
move.
command you to move.
command you to raise myself from this fetal position
and move.

to face your fears
and i am, surely i am.
every step counts.

i must forgive.
i must forgive my.
i must forgive myself.

I feel like I'm sixteen again
Not knowing where everything begins
but knowing how it'll all end
I know in my heart you aren't the one for me
but you look so sweet in the palm of my hand

I feel like I've been here all before
Looking through the damp cool glass
On the other side of the door
things look different now
but it's the same thing in reality
It's what happened when you've learned
something from life unexpectedly

You've bundled me up all nice and warm
with those words you'll never prove
You've got a smile on my face
that'll last two seconds in this dark room
and I know you're not the one for me

I'm trying too hard to fit the norm
but in reality I'm the little toy sailboat against the storm
and it feels like your life saver ain't sweet enough
because you're fading quickly, quickly, quickly
on the very tip of my tounge
You're bad for my soul and even worse for my heart
I've spared so many chances for you
Now the time has come to part
I've got to say goodbye, can't let this be so
when I turn around and trudge back up the hill
Will you watch me when I go?

 So I've had one of those frequent flashbacks.
That keep on seeming to haunt me....
I don't know what else it is.
But I get random vivid memories of my past
and what it meant at the time.
And it's clear as day and it's like one of those made for TV flashbacks.
You know, where the present vision gets all fuzzy and all of a sudden the character is standing right there.

I'm craving sophistication, because I'm realizing how low I've sunk.
I need to fight my way back up.
I need to make promises to myself.
I deserve so much better in life
and I can't do it for anyone but myself.

I promise. I promise. I promise.
From this day forward, to look outside the box
that you once did when you were 12.
To look at the world like you did when you had ambition 
look at the world without arrogance. 

Dear OJT.
Where have you been?
It's been a long time since I've seen you, friend.

Believe in yourself.

 I need to find better adjectives and improve my vocabulary.
I'm losing everything I once had, and my mind is on a roll on a rolladex
I don't know I guess I just like using that word. Rolladex, rolladex, rolladex.
Now it just spurned my train of thought towards the highly amusing show "Dexter"
DEE-DEE DON'TA BEEA STUPIDE. PUT DOWN THAT AUAGHAGHAHGHAGHAH - zap.
I loved that show.
Clearly for good reason.

So it's currently 2;16 AM; semi-colon and all.
and I will have hell to pay for when I'm in class tommorrow
struggling through all odds just to stay awake though an exam.
Dear lord, my self restraint fails when it comes to this.

And listening to Ingrid Michaelson is helping me calm myself.
Beautiful intelligent older women clearly are the answer to everything.
Why must I like women who pay mortgage and are in the 26 - 30 age bracket?
It's simply not fair.

As one of my beloved older woman friends told me:
"...There is no age limit to cougarism"

Well I'm legal damn it.
TAKE ME!

Well you can window shop and view the goods
but I'm currently with someone. So no touchy touchy. >=D
BUT FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, DIVORCEES/TROPHY WIVES OF AMERICA TAKE NOTICE.
I shall be the best lover of your life. :)
If you let me.
We could make passionate fierce love on the sofa.
While the fireplace crackles and spits, two wine glasses lit from behind, the liquid sparkling in the firelight.
and your burly dog sleeps over in that spot just near the kitchen on his little bed.
His head raises for a fraction of a second listening to our fumblings and heavy breathing.
The soft loaded rustle of fabric against folded fabric, being ripped away by eager hands.
Your husband won't be back from his business trip until next Thursday, and here you are, gasping at my expense.
Mini-vans and tax returns aside, you look so beautiful and womanly bare for me.

And after all that, my dear.

I'll wake up next to you with my collared shirt askew and my bad boy ripped jeans on the floor next to us.
and whisper
"I love the way you say good morning."

"Oh can you overlook this supposed crime
and we can fast forward to a few years later
 where no one knows except the both of us."

I am in absolut love with Alanis Morisette

and it has inspired for me to put the pencil on the paper
or rather the text to the textbox of which I shall....
WRITE A SONG!


Sometimes over the course of the next couple of years
will you hesitate to remember me and my life?
Will I be a part of a pond of memories
thrust upon your memory banks like a deposited check
ready to bounce back tenfold

When you look at the clothes I gave you off my back
and the skin and the bare sweet sweaty contact
Will you remember what it felt like to wake up next to me
Naked, unadulterated, nonetheless modestly covered
in sheets of pure harmonium.

Will I be someone when there's no one
Will I be just a speck of dust in the attic
Dig me up, pour me down
We're all human, so's jealousy all around

When I feel the scratch of your stubble
running my hands upon that jawline of yours
nuzzling the neckline
We are seeping into hormonal rage
and I cannot forget myself, forgotten already
are my morals and ideals
gone they are with the articles of my clothing

And you my dear
No never will I forget you
Never can I forget what we are
or in some cases, we once were
You brash insensitive fuck that you are
You learn to be more a gentleman each day
And I in truth, I am strung upon your leash
I cannot forget myself
I cannot forget myself
I cannot forget who I am

Remember me
Remember me
Just remember me

Mmmm.
I love waking up all disheveled.

So I've definitely been happier than I have in a while.
I guess being who you truly are really does pay off.

I met a boy.
and this boy is magnificent.
and amazing.

:) oh and did I mention gorgeous?
and that we click so well?
I don't know, I'm just so automatically comfortable around him.
He's mine. Well soon to be :)

We're working on that.

I love the way we first kissed.
He held me really tight than lifted me up
and than I held his face in my hands, lifted his chin up
and I kissed him. :D
I loved looking up into his eyes.
I loved looking up and blushing.
I loved how he kissed me.


 

 

Such a beautiful surrender.

I think I found him.

:D

Let's see if I can improve my sentence structure.
Let's play a game.
A game, a game, a motherFUCKING game.
All we ever play in life.
Oh angst, oh wonderous jealousy.
Playing a game with myself without looking at the keyboard as I write this.
Making my hands tired and the girl to the left of me is just a sad state of what we call
CONFORMITY.
She's looking at me wierd. Like she hadn't ever seen someone stare at the ceiling and type like a maniacal monkey.
Fuck them all.
Fuck them and their goddamn fucking ignorance and stupidity.

Oh now now, I'm being condescending.
I'm being so condescending.
Do unto others what must be done to you.
Why does that have to apply in a universal sense?
Why can't it be different?
Human nature is just an excuse for the faults and lies we weave around ourseles
for protection.
BLAH THE FUCKING AH ANGST MOTHERFUCKING SHIT ASSWIPE.


I'm very angry.....
I get very angry when I see how stupid people are.
and how they are fucking annoying the shit out of me.
With their goddamn petty notions
and their goddamn fucking shit that has nothing to do.
The well being of other huiman beings
INSENSITIZED no less to rape, pillage, murder, poverty, starvation.
We prize it off as goodwill when in fact it's just a reward and status for us.

I hate America.
Assfuckingwipe.
of. THE GODDAMN EARTH.


Let me be free of petty morality.
Let me be free of magnificent resources being taken for granted.
Let me live in simplicity so I may contemplate the beauty in life.
Away from corruption and greed.


You're all the same and you disgust me.

There's something that should've been said
A long, long time ago
There's a weight on my mind
that I can't seem to get rid of
It's your face, your eyes, your fears
your tears, your mouth, that soft breath

And you want me to forget this
you think you can have everything
and leave me out of the frame
Let me forget your name
two seconds is all I need
to breathe some fresh air

It's been a while since I opened the door
Pushed them open wide
I couldn't feel them protesting
Knowing I'd get hurt too soon
But everything happens for a reason
Are you my meant to be later on


______

Tell me everything I ever wanted to know
Your sliding down the couch cushions
and you're my one woman show
Kiss your neck, kiss the forehead
Breathe in the scent of your neck
and it's stuck on me for eternity of one second

I can feel it
Can feel it like it was yesterday
Because it was yesterday's trash to you
discard it, like you don't even know what it is anymore
Am I just a puppet for this peep show?
I know you'll never leave me
But I know you'll take me for granted

And It's going to be too late, too late
you had your chance ten days ago in your mind
but it was too long for me, too long to wait
I can't wait for you sweetheart
I have a train to catch to bring me to the grass on the other side
Everytime you look at me...I lose a little part of my sanity

________


Fast pace, I'm trying to hard too fit the norm
I'm trying too hard to be someone I was working towards
Didn't know where to turn when the time came
How long can you stand there and not see me
I'm standing right in front, palm extended, never taken

How can I fight this feeling
when you're the one that fixes everything
How can I let go of you
when you're the anchor to my ship
Don't let me sail away.
Don't let me sail away.
I'm in the eye of the storm
And you're losing control

And we are simply nothing
nothing but air, but molecules floating above pedestals of thin clouds of dust
We are naught but fraught with memories
constantly, constantly rearranging in definition as well as time and space
We are nothing.

Collaborative, I trace this pencil in thin air
over words that you will never see
It slices through the air, never heard to the ear

Softly, I whisper, wishing that you'd realize
that all the thoughts in your mind
are just electrical sparks reacting to each other

That the whole world is just a touch away
every grain of salt and sand in the palm of your hand
And I feel this as I softly kiss the swirls upon your finger

I touch your skin, and yours to mine
Touch your lips, breathe in the soft pocket of air
as our lips seal in contact for just one second
and just for that one second
Just for that one second
We are not two but one
Connected for only one second of eternity

I stab the pencil back down on the white platform, in the present
back down on the sheet of paper in front of me
a blank canvas for the actors in my mind
Yell cut, and the black lines stop flowing
for they are my surbordinates and I their god.

And I for the world to see, am simply nothing
but you and me.